Twenty One Things Shepard Needs to Remember
by The Space Bagel
Summary: It all began with a list. Well, not exactly, more like it all began with Shepard doing something incredibly stupid. Then this evolved into several more stupid things, until Shepard had done so many stupid things that she needed to make a list to remember them all. This is that list. Read on, to discover 21 things Shepard needs to remember, and why she needs to remember them.
1. Chapter 1: Reave

**A/N:Welcome to Twenty-one Things Shepard Needs to Remember, I'll be your guide for today. Each chapter is an item on a list, which consists of twenty-one things. At the end of each chapter I will add an item to the list, with every new chapter adding progress onto it until it has twenty-one things on it. ****The story itself takes place during Mass Effect 2, though I have it so Shepard can recruit any squad-member in the game at any point and time that she'd like. **Remember to rate and review, Gooby please.  


_Disclaimer: I don't own Shepard or Mass Effect, if I did I would- ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL  
_

* * *

"BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP" The obnoxious blare of Shepard's alarm clock sounded loudly, intent on waking Shepard up from her peaceful slumber.

"BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP" Soon a very groggy Shepard was awoken, her eyes glaring at the evil machine that had disrupted her dreamless sleep. Hoping that somehow the alarm would shut off on its own, she crawled back under her covers. Alas, the inane beeping of the alarm refused to stop, no matter how hard Shepard tried to burn a whole through it with her non-existent mind powers.

"BEEP BEEP BEE-" However, the alarms reign of terror was soon ended. One very grumpy Shepard shot her hand out from under the covers and, using all her strength, threw a Reave at the foul creation of an alarm clock. Only when her Reave had left her fingertips did Shepard realize how big of a mistake she made, and time itself seemed to slow as the Reave closed in on its' target.

"Noooooo!" Shepard shouted, but to no avail. The Reave hit the alarm clock with a smash, the resulting explosion destroying it and part of the night stand in the process. Bits and pieces of the once mighty alarm flew everywhere and were soon scattered across Shepard's room. A small dust cloud began to settle.

"…" Shepard remained silent, eyes staring at the aftermath of the explosion. Nearly a second had passed before she registered her own stupidity, and she reacted in the only way she could think of: with a face palm. She stayed this way, palm on her forehead, for an entire minute. She would have stayed this way longer, but EDI chimed in over the intercom.

"Shepard, it is highly recommended that you refrain from using biotic abilities while on board the Normandy." EDI said casually.

"Uh huh" Shepard said lazily, having heard EDI say this many times before.

"Would you like me to place an order for another alarm clock in?" EDI asked.

"Sure." Was the response Shepard gave EDI, before rolling out of bed and right on some alarm clock scraps. Shepard swore under her breath, the pain in her feet reminiscent to that of stepping on a Lego. She fell back onto her bed with a flop, grabbing her feet and letting out such a long stream of cuss words that even the most battle hardened soldier would be shocked by.

"Logging you off, Commander" EDI said blankly, paying no attention to Shepard's sailor mouth or the fact that some of the word she was shouting weren't even real words to begin with.

Finally Shepard stopped her rant and let out a sigh. She surveyed the carnage of alarm clock remains around her and decided that cleaning it up could wait for later. Careful to avoid any sharp objects on her floor, Shepard made her way toward her shower.

"Okay, a shower. I'll take a shower and go do a mission, simple. Maybe someone else will clean up my room while I'm gone." Shepard said as she searched for a towel. She didn't, however, notice the small black mass on her bathroom wall. Not until she turned around, stared at it for a few seconds, then let out a scream did she realize what it was. A tarantula had made its' home on her bathroom wall. Shepard reacted in the same way she would react upon seeing a Husk: By firing a Reave at it. And loo, the explosion that followed did indeed destroy the foul creature, as well as part of the wall. Shepard stared for a second before getting a feeling of Déjà vu and letting out a sigh.

"Today just isn't my lucky day"

* * *

Somewhere, in the vast Intelligence Hub of EDI's A.I. core, EDI made a list. She titled it 'Twenty One Things Shepard Needs to Remember', and added the first item: Do not freak out and Reave everything.

EDI wasn't sure why, but she felt as if she would be adding much more to this specific list very soon. With that being said, EDI turned her attention away from list-making and back to Joker, who was currently smearing grease on her camera lens.

* * *

The List (so far):

1. Do not freak out and Reave everything


	2. Chapter 2: Food Poisioning

**A/N: Sweet mother of Luna, I actually made another chapter? Madness! Anyway, after much laziness I present to you the newest chapter of 21 Things Shepard needs to remember, ta-da! Reviews are liked greatly, so please post them. Enjoy, because while the cake is a lie, this story isn't.**

_Disclaimer: I own nothing: Not Mass Effect, nor Shepard_**  
**

* * *

Shepard absentmindedly stumbled around the mess hall, her eyes groggy with sleep. In truth, getting up at 4AM may have not been the best idea, but her stomach refused to shut up so she decided upon getting a late-night snack. Her bare feet made soft thuds on the mess hall's metal floor as she made her way towards her destination: the fridge.

Now, mind you, Shepard never normally ate any sort of food on the Normandy, she was always much too busy and usually ate a quick snack in-between missions and supplements other times. But even though she had never eaten anything cooked on the Normandy, she was well aware that it tasted horrible at times. In truth, it wasn't the cooks fault, as he was never given anything good to cook with so all the food, in turn, tasted like crap. Shepard had yet to get him the new food supplies, mainly because she had neither the time nor the motivation to do it yet.

Shrugging her thoughts away, Shepard opened the fridge and gazed inside. Hardly anything resided inside the fridge at the moment, the only thing she could find being a rather bland bowl of watery liquid (she presumed this to be soup). Letting out a resigned sigh, Shepard grabbed the bowl of soup and sat down at the table, deciding to ignore the fact that it looked horrible and tasteless in favour of getting some food in her stomach.

Picking up a spoon, Shepard dipped it into her soup and raised it to her lips, giving it a tentative sniff just for good measure, before throwing caution to the wind and shoving the soup-filled spoon in her mouth. What happened next is hard to tell, as it all happened in a flash: Shepard's face contorted in such a manner of disgust, horror, nausea that a new emotion would need to be created just to properly describe what she was feeling. She jumped back from her spot at the table and tossed her spoon halfway across the room. She would have spit out the vile tasting soup as well, but she had swallowed it during her moment of surprise/horror.

Shepard stumbled into the fridge and reached into the cabinet for the cook's emergency pistol. In a fit of abject horror, she fired the gun at the soup, shattering it and shooting a few holes in the table as well. Just as she stopped firing the pistol, a wave of nausea flooded over Shepard, causing her to drop the gun and double over in pain.

It was at this time that more than a few people had decided to investigate the noise originating from the mess hall and many were shocked to see the scene before them. Garrus, who had abandoned his calibrations in order to see what the commotion was all about, was swiftly by Shepard's side, proving himself to be a good boyfriend to Shepard, at least this once. Miranda had roused Doctor Chawkawas in order for the good doctor to do a medical examination on Shepard, who was soon carried into the clinic. As Shepard was rushed through the doors of the clinic, she spotted the cook himself and found the strength in her to mouth these words to him

'You did this, you monster. I'll banish you to the moon for this.'

As Shepard made her slow recovery from the soup disaster, which was discovered to have given Shepard food poisoning, she mentally noted that she should, not, that she NEEDED to get those new food supplies soon. 'No one should ever have to experience that.', she mumbled to herself. She also mentally reminded herself to send the offending cook to the moon, preferably via Fus Ro Dah. Before she drifted off into sleep, Shepard made one final note to herself: never eat anything on the Normandy, ever.

* * *

The List (so far):

1. Do not freak out and Reave everything

2. Eating anything made on the Normandy will result in you getting Hospitalized


	3. Chapter 3: Drink, Drank, Drunk

**A/N: So yeah, here's some more story for you guys to nom on. I'll let you guys enjoy this while I go take a break. As mentioned before, reviews are awesome, as they tell me that you like my story. Or, they tell me that my story sucks, either way I love reviews, so please leave them. Also, on a bit of a side note I'd like to say that the reason I spell it 'colour' not 'color' is because I live in London, hence the spelling. So just a heads up, those aren't spelling errors, just my way of spelling them.  
**

_Disclaimer: I don't own Shepard, Mass Effect, or anything of the like. Gooby plz dun't sue meh._

* * *

Colours blurred and swirled together in an abstract mess as Shepard downed yet another drink. Today had been long, too long, for Shepard. Not only had she been assaulted by Collectors on Horizon, but to top it all off she found Kaidan, who decided to engage in a shouting match with her. He had claimed _her_, of all people, _to be evil._ Just because she was working with Cerberus to stop the Collectors didn't mean she had abandoned the Alliance. Hell, if anything _they _had abandoned _her._ Then again, she couldn't fault the Alliance for doing that, after all it had cost a shit ton of money to bring her back to life, but still. It wasn't like Cerberus had pulled the technology to bring her to life out of their asses either, it had to be available for others as well, so the Alliance was just being lazy.

She had almost punched Kaidan in the face, and had it not been for Garrus stepping in she would have. Garrus had to literally _drag _her away from Kaidan, and by that time she had already charged her Reave up to Super-Saiyan levels. But sadly, Garrus had already called a shuttle and pushed her aboard before she could unleash her wrath upon Kaidan, several trees, and probably half of the city. What happened next was simple: they docked at the Citadel, Shepard gave her crew leave, and then she went to the bar to drink herself into a stupor, In fact, she was still drinking, but that's irrelevant.

Shepard let out a sigh as she stared down into her glass of liquor, light refracting off the surface of the beverage and showing Shepard her reflection. By now, she was on somewhere between her 4-7th drink, having lost count right after the third. People milled about the bar, chatting between one another and having a rather nice time in general. Shepard pondered how much of a fine she would get if she hit them all with Reave just to get them to shut up, soon deciding that it would probably be too much for her wallet to handle.

With a silent muttering, she returned to her drink and took another sip, causing the world to become just slightly more colourful than before. She smiled at this, content just to stare at the dancing colours for all eternity, but she soon felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to greet said tap. The face she met was the bartender's, and she vaguely remembered that his name was Travis or something, a strange name for a Turian.

"Hello Travis or something!" Shepard said cheerfully, subtle signs giving away the fact that she was drunk.

"My name is Trasolof" he said with chuckle, laughing at the absurdity of a Turian being named 'Travis'.

"Oh, riiiight. So'ry, I must've forgoht again." Shepard slurred out, giggling to herself. She looked down at her glass, noticing that it was empty. "Heyyy, Trip. Ca-can I has a 'nother one of…", Shepard trailed off, trying to remember the name of the purple drink she was drinking, "whatevah this here Purple Drank iz called?"

"Sure, on the house. But are you sure you don't want to try some Krogan Liquor instead?" Trasolof said as he reached below the counter.

"Kro- *hic* Krogan liquors? Waaaant." Shepard said with a pleading face.

"Sure, here you go. Anything for the woman who saved me from the Geth." He said with a smile, remembering back to when she had Falcon Punched a Geth during the Geth invasion of the Citadel just to save him. He was eternally grateful and was more than happy to give her free drinks whenever she came to his bar, which was happening quite often now. "But be careful", he warned "this stuff will knock you on your ass."

"I'm Commandaar Shepaaaards, nothing ca-* hic* can knock _ME_ on my arse!" She said with a slight shout, doubting the Krogan Liquor's ability to knock her on her ass. After all, it didn't even have hands, so how was it supposed to knock her down? With a mighty grin, Shepard raised her glass, pressed it to her lips, tipped back her head, and drank the shot in one swallow. Grinning in triumph, she stood up from her spot at the bar and raised her glass. Soon after, though, she felt the world begin to spin around her, the colours becoming too bright, and noises being drowned out. She stumbled around for a second, before falling onto the floor with a harsh 'thump', having passed out. The bar's patrons looked in surprise for a few seconds before returning to whatever they were doing.

Trasolof looked down upon the fallen Shepard, and with a slight chuckle he said this "You were right, it didn't knock you on your ass: it knocked you on your face." Picking Shepard up, he dragged her into the employee's lounge and set her on the couch he had always kept for Shepard to use during occasions like this. With a slight smile as he looked down at how childish she looked when she slept, Trasolof closed the employee lounge door with a click.

Pulling out his phone as he walked back to his place at the bar, he phoned Garrus to come and pick Shepard up again, having him on speed dial due to the number of times Shepard passed out at the bar. After being told that Garrus would be there as soon as he could, Trasolof set the phone down and began to serve the other patrons at the bar. He made a mental note to remind Shepard that Krogan Liquor _will_ knock her on her ass, so she probably shouldn't try to drink it anytime soon.

* * *

The List (so far):

1. Do not freak out and Reave everything

2. Eating anything made on the Normandy will result in you getting Hospitalized

3. Korgan liquor WILL knock you on your ass


	4. Chapter 4: Creepy Fish Lady

**A/N: Alright lads and lasses, you know the drill. Please rate and review, as they make me feel the love. Seriously, you may not think that they do, but every review you guys give me makes me smile. Make sure to point out any errors you find, and send me any suggestions you have. **

**Side Note: Let's have a shout out to Ms. Sticha for reviewing and supporting my story, as well as proof-reading.  
**

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Mass Effect, nor a single Shepard_

* * *

The lights of Shepard's bedroom let out a small hum, bathing the room in a warm glow as they were turned on. Shepard let out a contented sigh as she stepped into her room, the door closing with a soft _swish_ behind her. She felt her nostrils being flooded with the familiar scent of her bedroom, a mixture of Dragon fruit and Nectarines that always filled her with a sense of homeliness and belonging. As she walked across the floor, she set down a bag filled with items she had purchased during her latest trip to Illium. Opening it up, she took out a picture frame, a freshly baked cake, a bottle of Krogan Liquor, and a tube of fish food.

After she put away the other items, Shepard retrieved the fish food and walked over to her fish tank. In truth, it wasn't like she needed to buy any fish food, as the ship was already fully stocked, but she liked buying special kinds so she could treat her pet fish to something delicious every now and again. Shepard tapped a few buttons on the Aquarium Control pad and a slot opened up beside it.

She gently set the fish food into the slot, before typing in some more numbers and making the slot disappear, taking with it the fish food. After double checking to make sure she had pressed the right buttons, Shepard pressed the enter key and the automated food dispensing system for the Aquarium swapped out the regular fish food for the special kind. After a few more button clicks, the Aquarium was filled with the new, delicious fish food.

The fish inside all flocked to get a taste of it, happily swimming along and eating the food. Shepard let out a small 'awww' as she watched her fish devour the food, smiling like a mother would upon seeing her baby. Shepard couldn't help but let out a series of coos, stating how much she loved her little babies and how cute they were. Her smile grew in size by the second, content with watching her fish swim in joy. Her adoration was interrupted, however, by a knock on her door, followed by a voice on the outside.

"Commander, I just wanted to see how you were doing, after that mission on Horizon and all." Kelly's voice sounded from the other side of Shepard's door, seeming to echo throughout the tiny hallway.

"I'm fine Kelly, I was just talking to my fish is all." Shepard replied, a hint of frustration in her voice that went unnoticed by Kelly

"Talking...to your fish?" Kelly sounded, her mind trying to process this new data.

"Isn't that what I just said?" Shepard said with a grunt, before turning back to her fish. "I swear, some people"

"Um, Commander...do you need any help? I mean, I am a psychiatrist so if you need anything-" Kelly began, before being cut off by Shepard

"Look Kelly, I appreciate your concern, but I am not crazy and I don't need any help just because I am talking to my fish." Shepard said with exasperation, letting out a sigh and she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Bu-but Commander, that's _really really creepy_. I mean, what if you snap one day and instead of talking to your fish you go crazy and kill everyone! And I'll look back and think how it all could have been prevented if you had just stopped talking to your fish like a weirdo and came to me for help!" Kelly ranted on

"Kelly, please, just..." Shepard continued to pinch the bridge of her nose "Look, how about we ask Joker if talking to one's fish is creepy or not, then will you leave me be?" Shepard sighed

"Of course, Commander" Kelly chirped

Shepard got up from her chair and walked out the door with Kelly, a scowl present on her face. After this was over, she was going to get a drink. As the elevator slowly crawled along, it finally reached its destination: the main deck. Shepard stepped out and began to walk over to Joker, trying her best to keep the scowl off her face and in its place a smile, for boosting moral and such. Finally, she reached Joker's station and she found him and EDI arguing like an old married couple.

"Joker" Shepard sounded out, a form of greeting but it came out more as a command for attention

"Yeah, Shepard?" Joker asked as he turned his chair around

"Kelly thinks that talking to one's fish is creepy, I do not. What's your opinion?" Shepard said, leaning on the nearby wall

"Well, no offense Commander, but that _isss_ kinda creepy. Or maybe very creepy." Joker said with a shrug of his shoulders and a guilty smile

"How is that creepy? I don't see how you think talking to fish is creepy! It makes perfect sense!" Shepard half shouted, throwing her arms into the arm as she let out an exasperated sigh

"You know what? I don't care, I'm going back to my room. Don't try to retrieve me, I'll just pretend I didn't hear you" Shepard said as she rolled her eyes and walked back towards the elevator. She just didn't get it, talking to one's fish is perfectly normal! Everyone else is just stupid anyway. With a sigh, she pinched the bridge of her nose again and said to no one in particular "I need a bloody(1) drink. Wait, scratch that, I need several"

**_A/N:_ (1)_ I mean bloody as in the British curse word, not actually bloody. Sorry for any confusion._**

* * *

The List (so far):

1. Do not freak out and Reave everything

2. Eating anything made on the Normandy will result in you getting Hospitalized

3. Korgan liquor WILL knock you on your ass

4. Talking to one's fish is creepy


	5. Chapter 5: Piggyback Ride for a Specter

**A/N: Ve~ Hello my readers! Sorry for making you guys wait a month for the new chapter, I've just been rather busy with crap tons of schoolwork. On a side note, you know how you leave the Normandy in Mass Effect 2 via loading screen? Well, for plot purposes, I'm having it so that you leave and enter the Normandy through the airlock. It just kinda sits there otherwise, so I thought I'd give it a use. As for the decontamination room? The airlock now doubles and an airlock/decontamination room. Also, this story counts for two items on the list. Make sure to review my story, because I love all of my reviews, as long as you don't flame that is. Tell me what you think in the reviews, and enjoy the story!**

**Props to Ms. Sticha for proof-reading this!**

_Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Shepard or Mass Effect. _

* * *

A sigh, quiet and almost unnoticeable, echoed throughout the empty room, the cold metal walls seeming to give it life. It wasn't your normal type of sigh though. No, it was a specific type of sigh, which belonged to a very specific person.

The sigh was one of exhaustion, speaking of many hours of restless and harsh work, with little sleep accompanying it. It spoke of a longing for rest, but with a knowledge that rest was still far away. But just who did this sigh belong to? It belonged to a very singular woman, one who made it her job to troll death every second of every day. Yes, this sigh belonged to the one and only Commander Alexandra R. Shepard, and boy, was she tired.

Shepard ran her fingers over the elevator control panel, the tips just barely grazing over several buttons, before coming to an abrupt stop and slamming into the Combat Information Center button, otherwise known as the Bridge. The elevator doors closed with a swish, and soon the elevator began its' ascent.

"Fuck." Shepard said as she covered her eyes with her armoured-hand, sleep taunting her, but never fully taking her. In truth, she couldn't sleep even if she wanted to right now. No, as much as she hated it, she still had to complete one more 'mission' before she could call it a day and go to sleep.

Her self-proclaimed 'mission' consisted of going to the Citadel, buying something, and then leaving. So simple, so plain, and so very painfully dull, as Shepard put it. That's why she had decided to take Legion along with her. It wasn't like she NEEDED to take him (or was he an 'it'?) along with her, at least not for security purposes, it was more like for sanity purposes, because she wasn't sure her sanity could handle this 'mission' without some form of company.

Even though she needed some form of company for this mission, she wasn't cruel enough to wake any of her crew up to accompany her. Which is partly why she had chose to take Legion, with the other part of her wanting to take him along just to see what would happen for shits and giggles.

Finally, the elevator came to a halt, jerking Shepard out of her thoughts. With one swift movement, the elevator doors opened and Shepard stood up from her leaning spot on the wall, walking out of the tiny elevator and into the Bridge.

Only a handful of various crew members ambled about the room, tending to their control stations and such.

Shepard began to walk towards the airlock, her Blood Dragon armour making her appear as if she was Cthulhu reincarnated, with a bit of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris thrown in for laughs. She gave each of the crew members a nod and a smile as she passed them by, but she doubted they registered either, for they were too busy doing the things that normal people do, which does not include acknowledging the existence of Cthulhu-Shepard.

Finally, after getting as much existence-noting as Canada, Shepard reached the airlock. She was promptly greeted by the sight of Legion as he stood by the door, with the sounds of Joker and EDI arguing in the background.

"Hey Legion." Shepard said, smiling behind her helmet. She then realised no one else could see her face, so she stopped smiling because otherwise she would have looked stupid, even though no one could see her face. Just shut up and accept Shepard's magical logic! Anyway, Shepard had just greeted Legion, who stopped staring at the door intently and instead chose to look at Cthulhu-Shepard as she greeted him.

"Shepard, Commander." Legion chimed, optics adjusting to bring her into focus. Before Shepard could say anything else, the airlock doors opened and the duo stepped inside. Shepard tried and failed to stifle a yawn as the doors closed and the decontamination process began. With a rather cat-like stretch, Shepard let out a yawn and then proceeded to lean against Legion. Several minutes went by, with Shepard leaning on Legion and trying to figure out all the possible ways this mission could end, and Legion trying to decided whether Geth intentionally infiltrate or not. After those several minutes, the decontamination process finally ended and the airlock doors opened to reveal a long hallway, with an opening to the Citadel Docking Bay at the end.

Shepard lifted herself off of Legion, but was surprised to find that her legs had fallen asleep during the decontamination sequence. If only she had known this before she got off of Legion. As many will say, Gravity is a bitch, and was pulling Shepard down towards the cold, unforgiving floors. Fate, however, was kinder, and Legion managed to grab Shepard's arm right before she faceplanted. Now, Shepard was just awkwardly dangling there, with Legion gripping her arm with the determination of a Jehovah's Witness, practically daring Gravity to try and get Shepard now.

Several seconds later, and Shepard was standing on her feet and using Legion as support, almost falling over a couple more times, before she gave up. "Legion" Shepard called, looking up at the Geth expectantly. "Carry me."

Legion's mind raced, all systems scrambling to understand what Shepard had just said. It took only a few milliseconds before he had managed to produce information on what she meant. Files showed Humans with children on their backs, carrying them around, this activity being called a 'Piggyback Ride'. This seemed like an adequate way to transport Shepard, so with that being said Legion snapped out of his thoughts and turned his attention back to Shepard, who was still looking up at him.

"Affirmative." was all Legion said before he knelt down, his back to Shepard.

It took her a second before she understood what was going on, but Shepard soon realised that Legion was going to give her a Piggyback Ride. She hadn't had one of those since she was a little girl, so the thought of having another one made her smile, and she happily climbed onto Legion's back for this. She quickly wrapped her arms around his neck, and was promptly greeted by a feeling of weightlessness as Legion stood up, his arms holding her legs around his sides. This may not have been the most common mode of transportation, but Shepard could care less, as long as it worked it was fine by her.

* * *

**[Slight Time-skip, brought to you by Prussia, invading vital regions since 1965]**

* * *

The looks that people gave them as they (well, I say they, but I mean Legion, with Shepard receiving a Piggyback Ride) strode into the Docking Bay was priceless. You'd have to picture it to understand: A woman in Blood Dragon armour receiving a Piggyback Ride from a Geth, who happened to have a piece of N7 armour on his chest, not to mention the weapons the two were carrying.

If Shepard hadn't been so tired, she may have been embarrassed from all the attention, but right now she honestly didn't give a shit, she was getting a free Piggyback Ride for Pete's sake! That was almost as good as being told the Cake wasn't a lie.

But back to the present: Cthulhu-Shepard and Legion were currently waiting in line at the Main Desk to be checked in. Shepard could practically feel the 'Dafuq' radiating from the people around her as they watched her. Legion didn't seem to mind though, and just continued holding Shepard's legs up and waiting in line. Shepard had expected the wait in line to be longer, but a few seconds later she was at the front, with an Asari looking up at Legion and her.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to get off of your personal service droid." The Asari said, not batting an eye at the several things that were wrong with the duo, like Cthulhu-Shepard and Legion being a Geth.

Shepard shifted her head so she was looking right at the Asari, for effect of course, before clearing her throat and saying a few magic words. "I'm a Specter."

Those three words were all it took to send that Asari into motion. First Shepard was assaulted by "I'm sorry"s, and then some frantic typing, before the security check doors opened and Legion was allowed to enter.

Before the Turian guard could say anything, Shepard repeated what she had said before. "I'm a Specter." Surprisingly enough, that seemed to work, and the Turian didn't question why she was getting a Piggyback Ride from a Geth, why she was wearing Blood Dragon armour, or even why she was carrying several weapons with her. Nope, he just went and buzzed her in, not even bothering to do the security scan on her, not like it would have mattered with all the armour she was wearing of course.

Legion stepped into the main shopping area of the Citadel, Shepard in tow. This was where she needed to go for her mission. She turned her head and whispered something into Legion's ear, before laying her head back down onto his shoulder as he began walking again. Shepard could feel herself being lulled to sleep by the rhythm of Legion's steps, eyes slowly drooping before finally closing shut all together.

"Shepard Commander." Shepard heard someone calling out to her, but it was faint and she could barely hear it. She looked around, but saw nothing. "Shepard Commander." There it was again, except louder this time, almost as if it was right beside her-

"Shepard Commander!" Legion sounded once more, but louder this time, causing Shepard to jerk in fright. Being suddenly kicked out of Dreamland does that to you.

"We have arrived." Legion said, but softer this time, in response to Shepard's rude awakening. Shepard looked up expectantly, and was pleasantly surprised to find that they had indeed arrived at their destination: a local pet shop. She felt a smile spread across her lips as she looked at the entrance. Legion took this moment to step into the shop, and was promptly greeted by the sign of several shelves filled with various items, such as pet food and toys.

Shepard pointed her finger towards a specific container, and upon closer inspection Legion found that it was a brand of fish food. Well, not traditionally, but rather it was a virtual data-pad that purchased the fish food for you and had it delivered to where you needed it to be. Legion bent down slightly as Shepard reached out and began pressing certain buttons on the data-pad, before stopping when a small '_bing_' was let out.

"Alright Legion, another successful mission." Shepard said with a tired laugh, burying her head into the Geth's shoulder. "Now let's get back to the Normandy, before someone misses us."

"Affirmative." was all Legion said as he noiselessly stood up and walked out the door and into the outside world, still carrying a content Shepard with him as he began the trek back to the Normandy.

* * *

The List (so far):

1. Do not freak out and Reave everything

2. Eating anything made on the Normandy will result in you getting Hospitalized

3. Korgan liquor WILL knock you on your ass

4. Talking to one's fish is creepy

5. Shouting "I'm a Specter" works for everything

6. Legion will give you a Piggyback Ride if you ask nicely


	6. Chapter 6: Miranda is Crazy

**A/N: I'm such a horrible person for leaving you guys alone for such a long time. I am extremely sorry guys, Writer's Block went and punched me in the face and I was unable to write for a very long time. But do not fret, dear readers, for I have updated and I haven't abandoned this story yet! If they want me to abandon this story, they'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. Make sure to leave a review!**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Shepard, Miranda, Mass Effect, or the power of Christmas cheer**_

**_A Big thanks to Ms Sticha for proof-reading and editing this for me! She's awesome, go and read her stories. Do iiiiiiit, the power of the author compels you! _**

* * *

"Piss off!" Shepard shouted as she darted down the corridor, running as fast as her legs could carry her.

"Shepard! Get your ass back here! You are going to wear this dress or so help me god!" Miranda voice echoed through the corridor as she ran in close pursuit of the space Commander.

"No!" Was all Shepard said in return, stopping suddenly to take a sharp 90 degree turn as she turned the corner.

Damn, she was going to have to thank whoever washed the Normandy's floors. They did a fine job of making them absolutely dry, which allowed Shepard to stop on a dime and maneuver away from Miranda.

The elevator came into view, and Shepard used her last remaining bit of strength to push herself to run just a little bit faster.

She slammed herself into the elevator wall, hands fumbling blindly with the elevator control panel attempting to press a button.

Her fingers rammed into the Third Deck button, then she quickly poked her head out the elevator doors.

Miranda was rapidly closing in on Shepard, running towards the elevator with alarming speed.

Panic filled Shepard, and she desperately started ramming the 'close door' button, hoping against hope that it would close it time. Sadly, it seemed as if it wouldn't close in time to cut off Miranda.

With the split-second decision making that she was famous for, Shepard blew the elevator vent off with a strategically thrown Reave.

Mustering some hidden form of strength, Shepard jumped up and grabbed the edge of the now open vent. With a grunt, or something that sounded like 'hnnnnnng', she heaved herself up and out of the elevator.

Shepard heard Miranda slip into the elevator just as the doors closed with a 'swoosh'.

"Shepard! I know you're up there!" Miranda shouted through the vent opening.

"Go away!" Shepard cried out as she looked for something to toss at Miranda. Logically, this was stupid. For bloody hell's sake Shepard, you're on top of an elevator! There's not going to be anything around to toss at Miranda!

Either Shepard heard me or finally started thinking with portals, because she suddenly stopped searching for some random throw-able object. Instead, she jumped on the side of the elevator shaft and started embracing her inner Assassin's Creed.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!" Shepard shouted as she ninjaed up the elevator shaft.

Behind her, Shepard could hear the elevator as it slowly started climbing upwards. Along with one dress-wielding, crazed Miranda who was hell bent on catching our dear Space Commander.

'Almost...there!' Shepard thought as she reached for the Third Deck Elevator doors. Slowly, ever so slowly. With a toss, Shepard threw a stasis at the elevator doors, forcing them to open up. In the process, they revealed a very confused looking Samara as she watched the scene unfold before her.

"Samara!" Shepard shouted desperately, eyes filled with fear and panic. She shot out her hand, trying to reach for her Asari friend in time.

Alas, she could not.

"I got you now, Shepard!" Miranda said with a exhausted laugh, shooting various biotic abilities at Shepard.

Suddenly, a warp hit Shepard straight in the back, causing her to lose her grip on the elevator doors and her eyes to widen.

As per que, everything went into slow motion for Shepard. She stretched out her hand one last time, desperately reaching out for a hand. But even then, Shepard knew that there was none. Even as she slowly fell backwards, plummeting towards her inevitable doom, she couldn't help but hope against hope for someone to save her. Possibly, there was a hint of Dead Island trailer music in the background as Shepard fell through the air, graceful even in defeat, with acceptance of her fate in her eyes.

Samara doesn't have time for your angsty bullshit! To her surprise, Samara quickly dove down onto the floor and gripped Shepard's hand, pulling her up out of the elevator shaft and onto solid ground once more.

"Samara!" Shepard squeaked happily, tackling her savior with a hug. Then, she looked the Asari straight into the eyes with the most pitiful expression she could muster, and pleaded "Save me!"

And with that, our brave space commander ducked behind Samara, shivering in fear of one dress-crazed Miranda.

Rather obviously, Samara had no clue what was going on, other than Shepard was being chased. And that something chasing her was bad enough to reduce the woman who stared death into the face on a daily basis into a whimpering pile of...this.

That alone was enough for Samara to charge up her Biotics to extreme levels, her power level going over 9,000.

She seemed to emit a blue aura as she stood there, awaiting her enemy.

The elevator finally arrived, doors opening slowly to reveal...

Miranda, carrying a pink frilly dress.

Samara stood there for a moment, confused even more, until Shepard screeched like a Banshee.

It was this screech that drove both Miranda and Samara into action.

Miranda made a dive for Shepard, which Samara blocked by using Throw and tossing her backwards into the wall.

Samara then proceeded to pick up our space Commander, and preform a series of acrobatic ninja dodges from Miranda that would have made Altair himself (slightly) impressed.

"Miranda!" Samara shouted, ducking down to dodge a series of warp throws.

After receiving only more Biotics as a response, Samara decided she had enough. Enough of Miranda's Biotics as well as Shepard clinging to her like a koala does to it's mother, albeit with a lot more muted whimpering.

Samara's biotic aura flared around her as she lifted Miranda up into the air and suspended her there, eyes emitting a blue light of excess biotic energy.

When Samara next spoke, her voice contained an excessive amount of volume to it, and she talked in an eerily calm manner.

"Miranda," Samara's voice was cold, cutting like a dagger. "What is the meaning of this?"

Samara stared Miranda straight into the eyes as she said that last part, as if daring her to try anything.

Shepard let out a sudden indignant squeak upon seeing Samara's glowing eyes, quickly ducking back down and burying her head into Samara's shoulder.

There was a moment of silence, which was soon broken by the sound of Miranda clearing her throat to speak.

"Shepard has been given an invitation to a really high-class social party on the Citadel. Anyone who's important will be there. So with that being said, Shepard needs to wear something formal, least she look stupid and dishonour her ancestors." Miranda spoke clearly, as if chasing Shepard around with a dress seemed perfectly logical due to this explanation.

"So, without further ado, PUT. IT. ON." Miranda punctuated each word, ending her sentence by lunging forward at Shepard, but remaining steadfast in place thanks to Samara's biotic's.

"Never!" Shepard shouted defiantly, though it was muffled by the fact that her face still remained burrowed in Samara's shoulder.

The trio stood in silence for several awkward seconds. Samara, thinking of a way to resolve this without upsetting either party. Miranda, plotting a plan to escape Samara's stasis and force Shepard into the dress. And Shepard...Shepard was just hoping to whatever deity may be out there that Samara could stop Miranda from forcing her into the dress.

Finally, Samara broke the silence, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other.

Samara began to choose her next words carefully; she was walking on thin ice after all.

"Miranda, while I do agree it would be best if Shepard looked formal, perhaps you should ask her what type of dress she'd like to wear instead of forcing her to wear this one?" Samara worded this as best as she could, careful to gauge Miranda's expression as she spoke. Soon, Miranda's face of fury melted into that of understanding, and maybe even a tiny hint of guilt.

"Well...I guess that would be for the best, and I hadn't even asked Shepard what she wanted to wear in the first place." Miranda said, looking back at the memory of when she had first approached Shepard about wearing the dress. She cringed slightly, the remembrance being unpleasant.

Samara turned her head and looked down at Shepard, who was still trying to hide herself into Samara's shoulder even more than she already was.

"Shepard," Samara cooed, her face a look of sympathy. "It's alright, you can stop hiding now."

Tentatively, Shepard raised her head from Samara's shoulder and looked around. Her gaze fell onto Miranda, where it stayed for several seconds, as if she was calculating whether or not she still posed a threat.

"So I don't have to wear that pink... thing?" Shepard asked cautiously, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"No," Miranda stated simply. "Not unless you want to."

"Erm...I think I'll pass." Shepard said with a nervous laugh.

"But, uh, if it's all the same to you Miranda, I think I'll take Samara with me when I go dress shopping tomorrow." Shepard said with an only slightly forced smile. Okay, so it was more than slightly forced, but still.

"I mean, if that's alright with you Samara." Shepard said uncertainly, turning her head to look up at Samara.

"It would be an honour, Shepard." Samara said with a smile, but it quickly disappeared as she looked at Shepard and said;

"Just make sure to remember..."

Never take Miranda dress shopping with you.

The List (so far):

1. Do not freak out and Reave everything

2. Eating anything made on the Normandy will result in you getting Hospitalized

3. Korgan liquor WILL knock you on your ass

4. Talking to one's fish is creepy

5. Shouting "I'm a Specter" works for everything

6. Legion will give you a Piggyback Ride if you ask nicely

7. Never take Miranda dress-shopping with you


End file.
